It’s four in the morning and I’m having one of those sleepless nights where thoughts keep circling around like vultures or some kind of metaphysical whirlpool. I need the sleep I’m missing here- I have some exacting work to do tomorrow. Its just not coming. An insistent bird is singing his nightsong across the street. It’s a very repetitive song. Perhaps he’s mired in something similar.
I’m questioning myself and my place in the world. This business today with the air conditioner drives home how precarious my existence is. I’ve been pushing myself in this creative field with its unpredictable paydays and no security for the better part of a decade, limping along from month to month and usually the promise of better things is enough. Every once in a while though, something like this pops up. April was a good month, but even the best of them can’t sustain a new air conditioner. If it wasn’t the AC it could just as easily have been the car, or the stove, and let’s not forget about the kitchen faucet I have rigged to work “until I can get it fixed”.
I don’t admit defeat easily, but maybe i’m being defeated? Will I ever know? Is a buzzer going to go off? When is the right time to change everything?